


Five Times Dragons Tried to Make Them Do It

by meh_guh



Category: Temeraire - Naomi Novik
Genre: Bad Matchmaking, Interspecies misunderstandings, M/M, No beta we die like mne, Parent Trapping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 22:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17130233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meh_guh/pseuds/meh_guh
Summary: Temeraire has aplan.





	Five Times Dragons Tried to Make Them Do It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [salvamisandwich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/salvamisandwich/gifts).



Temeraire yawned and rolled over to glare at the weak sun. Late October this far North was dreary and dull, and they’d had no visitors in at least a month. Retirement had been fascinating and a welcome reprieve after a lifetime of war, but Temeraire found he was not temperamentally suited to inaction. Four months was enough to drive the lesson home.

He sighed and drummed his talons on the heated paving stones. It might be grey and miserable, but Tharkay and Laurence had swiftly refitted Tharkay’s estate to be comfortable in time for winter with a heated aqueduct system modeled on the Loch Lommond one. In the new year, they had plans for more extensive works, but for the moment there was nothing to distract a bored mind and nothing to be planned.

‘I can _hear_ you brooding,’ Ning said, irritated and making a show of the fact. ‘It is very unbecoming.’

‘I am not _brooding_ ,’ Temeraire said, as quellingly as he could manage while simultaneously stifling a yawn. ‘I am _cogitating_.’

‘Cogitating on how to best _brood_ ,’ Iskierka said, blasting steam from her spines savagely. ‘You should be plotting how to make them take up arms again, it is _boring_ lying around without any prospect of prizes or battle.’

‘Tch!’ Ning whipped her tail around and snorted at her sire and dam. ‘I am starting to reconsider my sojourn here. I _thought_ I might learn from you how the humans tie themselves into such knots, but clearly you are too fond of stewing in your own juices to be any use.’

Temeraire felt his ruff rise at the insult; Ning had seen _one_ battle, and that from a distance and as a fresh hatchling. It was galling in the extreme to be so derided simply because Laurence and Tharkay had odd man-type concerns to attend to before applying themselves to Temeraire’s entertainment.

‘If you want to learn about humans,’ Iskierka sneered, twisting so that her damp coils pressed unpleasantly against Temeraire’s flank. ‘Go keep watch over Temeraire’s captain and his mate. See if you can find a way of making the fools declare for each other.’

Ning cocked her head and made an intrigued noise before leaping to the wing and darting away.

‘What?’ Temeraire blinked, turning to nose at Iskierka for an answer, but she was already asleep again.

****

Of course, Temeraire thought, after a refreshing and distracting dip in the ocean, Tharkay and Laurence were well-suited to one another. And he supposed if there was some sort of _dalliance_ it would explain why Laurence had left his memories in Tharkay’s care.

In fact, the more he pondered the idea, the more in favour he was. If Laurence and Tharkay were mated, it provided an additional protection against other dragons’ claims to a cherished member of his crew. Arkady hadn’t seemed terribly interested in Tharkay after the armistice, but the connexion existed and needed to be nipped.

Laurence was never so happy as he was in Tharkay’s company, and perhaps the two of them would have an _egg_ which Temeraire could help rear.

However disappointing Harcourt and Riley’s egg had been to Lily, one which had not only Laurence and Tharkay’s heritage but also Temeraire’s tutelage would no doubt be an exceptional creature.

****

His first attempt at matchmaking was a dismal failure. Even so, he thought darkly, Iskierka and Ning needn’t have been _quite_ so delighted at the wretched mess of flour and eggs and horse manure which he’d needed to wash off.

It was hardly _his_ fault the horses had startled so badly when he’d lifted his head to enquire about the cake preparations. And the apprentice baker who’d come up to make preparations shouldn’t have screamed like that, as though Temeraire was going to attack.

To be fair, Iskierka _did_ bestir herself to incinerate the refuse before Tharkay, Granby and Laurence returned from their ramble, which at least meant the covet only smelled of soot and dragons as usual rather than proto-cake detritus.

Tharkay shot Temeraire a quizzical look even so when the three men came to take the air with the dragons before supper. Temeraire simply pretended not to see and pressed Granby for updates on their friends which Iskierka was too unreliable to provide.

****

The second attempt was less spectacular, but equally hopeless.

‘You are _very bad at this_ , you realise?’ Iskierka said, frowning down at the wreckage of the boathouse’s door.

‘I _am not_!’ Temeraire snapped, breathing out hard enough to send snow flying. ‘It’s hardly _my_ fault Laurence tends to action!’

Iskierka gave him a _look_ , flicking her gaze between the shattered lock and Temeraire’s face. ‘As though you haven’t known him since your hatching. A drunk who’d met him half an hour previous would have been able to predict this.’

Temeraire snorted and turned to stare out to sea, concentrating on choosing a new approach.

‘Not to _mention_ ,’ Iskierka gloated, twisting so one of her coils slapped against Temeraire with great violence. ‘You locked my Granby in the shed _with_ them. So _even if_ they had been carried away, Granby would have been present to dissuade them from copulating.’

Temeraire resisted the urge to hunch his shoulders and gave a slow blink. ‘Why do you assume Granby would be against the union? Oh! You don’t think he-’

Iskierka whipped her tail around like a lash, catching Temeraire at the edge of his wing joint with a stinging slap. ‘ _Idiot_. Of _course_ Granby wouldn’t be so foolish as to get involved with either of them when he has a perfectly serviceable relationship with Little. But he, like _all_ the humans, is peculiar about mating. Why, just last week I complimented him on how satisfied Little had sounded in their last encounter, and he turned around and _ran away!_ ’

Temeraire thought this was an eminently reasonable reaction to Iskierka interrogating one on a tryst, but it was true that humans tended to be… repressed about liaisons of a sexual nature.

‘All I _meant_ to convey,’ Iskierka continued with a huff. ‘Was that he was obviously proving his worth as a lover. Most males are dull and uninspired in coitus, and I can’t imagine it is much different with humans.’

‘I…’ Temeraire blinked and hunched his shoulders a little. He’d always thought of mating as fun, but what if his partners really _had_ only been doing it for the prestige or under orders from the Admiralty?

‘Not you,’ Iskierka said in her customary offhand manner, which in this case was remarkably reassuring. ‘You were surprisingly un-loutish, and perhaps once I have had a year or so to forget how blasted discomforting it was, I will let you give me another egg.’

‘Oh,’ Temeraire said, torn between preening and despair. ‘Good.’

‘ _Anyway_ ,’ Iskierka snorted out a thin stream of flame which did no more than singe a single fence paling. ‘You are very bad at this and you ought to ask for help.’

‘I thought you were already-’ Temeraire burst out, rearing up in displeasure. If Iskierka had merely been _laughing_ at his efforts to secure both Laurence and Tharkay’s happiness…

‘Do not be a clotpole,’ Iskierka snapped back, rearing in turn to glare at Temeraire. ‘I am merely suggesting you recruit a _human_ or two, since there are doubtless mores and taboos which they aren’t going to share with us within a reasonable timeframe. Roland, perhaps. Or Demane seems the passionate sort.’

Temeraire settled back on his haunches to consider it. It was true he was still unclear on a number of human taboos, despite Laurence’s excellent tutelage and his own dedicated study. Perhaps there _were_ elements which were simply incomprehensible or invisible to an outsider.

‘I really did think locking them in a confined space might prompt a declaration,’ Temeraire sighed. ‘It works in all the literature.’

Iskierka made a rude noise. ‘ _Poets_. Ha! What you need to do is find a way to get them to lower their ridiculous defences. Preferably something where they have to _touch_ so they can’t deny their desires so easily.’

‘Huh,’ Temeraire said, his ruff jutting forwards as he smiled. ‘You know, you might be right.’

****

She hadn’t been.

It had been a very enjoyable night, if Temeraire discounted his _third_ failure. The local village had been terribly accommodating with a variety of interesting beverages. Temeraire’s favourites had been something called “scumble” which smelled of apple blossoms and tasted like being shot felt, and an ale of surpassing bitterness which had been delightfully refreshing after his indulgent fourth sheep.

He’d waited until the fifth keg of ale had been drained before proposing the music, and both Laurence and Tharkay had partaken their fair share of the liquors on tap. More than enough, if Temeraire was estimating correctly, to lower their inhibitions and lead them to good cheer.

‘I heard a song the other day,’ he’d said in low tones as Laurence had been swaying in time to the fiddler. ‘Do you think people would mind if I sang it?’

Laurence had turned a delighted smile on him and laid a hand against Temeraire’s muzzle. It was so tender Temeraire had felt a pang of conscience for deceiving Laurence before he’d reminded himself of his higher purpose.

‘My dear,’ Laurence had said, only a little fuzzy from the ale. ‘I would be delighted to hear you sing, and I guarantee everyone else here feels alike.’

‘It’s just…’ Temeraire had murmured, hating himself a little for the manner in which he’d ducked his head, feigned shyness. ‘Well. If only I weren’t the sole focus of attention.’

Laurence had given him a strange look at that, but had rallied admirably. ‘How may I help?’

The goal was worth the deception, Temeraire had told himself firmly. ‘Might you dance?’

Laurence had blinked, clearly thrown by the request, and Temeraire had pressed his advantage.

‘Yes, if you were to dance with a friend,’ he’d pretended to look around for inspiration here. ‘Tharkay, for instance! Then I would definitely feel less…’

Tharkay, stepping close with his customary sardonic smile, had let Temeraire flounder for a moment before suggesting ‘Exposed?’

‘Quite!’ Temeraire had given Tharkay and Laurence his brightest grin. ‘If the two of you were to dance, surely others would join! And everyone would have fun!’

Tharkay had then muttered something into Laurence’s ear much too low for Temeraire to hear, and had stepped out onto the flat grassed area beside the bonfire. Laurence had followed with a frown, and Temeraire had taken a deep breath.

‘ _ **SUMMER IS ICUMEN IN**_ ,’ he’d carolled, beautifully in-tune if he did say so himself and very pleased with the progress of this plan. ‘ _ **LHUDE SIN-**_ ’

Tharkay had doubled over in what looked to be pain, and alarmed, Temeraire had broken off to bend close and see what he might do to assist.

There had been a roar of drunken laughter from the group of locals crowded around the kegs, and Temeraire had found himself whipping his head between glaring at the locals and frowning confusedly at Tharkay who had managed to straighten up and calm his breathing.

‘Perhaps we might postpone your performance?’ Laurence had said, voice and face tight in the manner which bespoke some taboo inadvertently broken which Laurence was too polite to correct in public. ‘I fear I have overindulged and will not represent you in a favourable light. Forgive me.’

Temeraire had made polite noises reflexively as Tharkay and Laurence had retreated back to the seating at the outer edge of the firelight, talking to each other in tones inaudible to dragon ears.

The buzz of conversation had picked up once the local inebriates had accepted that whatever had made them so amused was not going to be repeated, and Temeraire had lowered his head to the ground and tried to make sense of it all.

He’d still been thinking when the sun came up, with absolutely no useful conclusions.

****

His fourth attempt would succeed, Temeraire was confident.

‘I’m… not so sure,’ Demane said, frowning. Kulingule made an encouraging noise around the cow Temeraire had provided for his dinner.

‘It’s quite simple,’ Temeraire said, giving Kulingule an approving look. ‘You choose something romantic and impressive for both Laurence and Tharkay, attach cards pretending the gifts are from each other, and we can ensure the great happiness of two men who mean much to all of us!’

Demane’s face twisted into an expression of concern. ‘I understand _what_ you want, Temeraire. But I don’t think it’s prudent. There are so many things which might go wrong.’

‘Oh, but there’s no one I’d trust more on the subject of human romance!’ Temeraire cried. ‘I’ve watched how devoted your attempts to woo Roland have been. You clearly understand the nuances of the issue far better than I!’

Demane lowered his eyes, brow still creased but lips twisting into a small smile. ‘Not to mention you need someone to sneak the gifts into their rooms. Very well, I’ll help.’

****

Temeraire was very pleased with the gifts Demane picked out; a handsome pair of cufflinks with a matched pair of emeralds for Tharkay and a lovely cravat pin with a third emerald. They were so clearly the work of the same artisan Temeraire was _certain_ both Laurence and Tharkay would recognise the significance of the gifts, though he hoped they misattributed its origins each to the other. _That_ was sure to lead to declarations and a successful mating!

After displaying the gifts for Temeraire’s approval, Demane wrapped them in tissue and set about sneaking them into the house for discovery after the last of the house lights had been extinguished.

He returned, shoulders slumped and trailed by Laurence and Tharkay, both wrapped in dressing gowns and smelling faintly of brandy.

‘They are handsome gifts, my dear,’ Laurence said, stepping close to stroke his hand along Temeraire’s cheek. ‘Though traditionally one waits until Christmas Eve before sneaking presents into the recipient’s bedroom.’

‘You also appear to have forgotten a note,’ Tharkay added, eyes bright and lips quirked upwards knowingly. ‘But I thank you. They are very nice.’

‘Oh, well…’ Temeraire curled his arms to shield Laurence and Tharkay from the cold night air. ‘You’re very welcome. But you should go inside; it must be much warmer.’

‘Stuff,’ Tharkay said, clearly enjoying some private joke. ‘The heating pipes and your bodies make it quite comfortable out here. What say you, Will? Shall we sleep under the stars with our friends?’

The look Laurence threw Tharkay was so affectionate Temeraire felt a pang of jealousy before he reminded himself not to play the scrub. Laurence acquiesced, settling on the ground, leaning against Temeraire’s forearm and turning his face to the sky.

Temeraire glanced over at Tharkay as surreptitiously as he was able and was cheered by the naked affection on the man’s normally-impassive face as he stared at Laurence. Tharkay noticed his scrutiny and his smile widened. He winked, and settled against Temeraire’s other forearm, the quiet smile remaining in place as he watched Laurence watch the stars.

Thwarted again, but unable to feel too upset about it with both Laurence and Tharkay in the circle of his arms, Temeraire sighed and closed his eyes.

The next morning, Demane waited until Laurence and Tharkay had departed for the breakfast table and turned a wide-eyed apologetic stare on Temeraire.

‘I’m sorry!’ he whispered. ‘They were in the library and saw me. All I could think to do was hide the notes in my pocket and pretend the gifts were from you. Which… uh, they _are_.’

Temeraire sighed. ‘It wasn’t your fault. This is proving to be more difficult than I anticipated.’

****

‘Wait!’ Granby yelped as Iskierka seized him around the middle and launched herself in the air. Whatever he said next was whipped away by the wind, which gusted violently up with a spray of salt as waves crashed onto the small island.

Temeraire hovered for a moment, suddenly uncertain, but the plan was solid enough that even Perscitia had grudgingly approved of it. He turned for shore, leaving Laurence and Tharkay stranded on the rocky outcropping and tried to ignore Laurence’s confused bellow to come back. Tharkay remained silent.

It was only a few hundred feet, and Temeraire landed as Granby was struggling his way out of Iskierka’s grip to demand what she thought she was doing.

‘It’s my plan,’ Temeraire said, hunching down a little as Granby turned to stare at him. ‘We just need to leave them trapped for an hour or two, I’m sure.’

‘What,’ Granby said in tones of despair. ‘In God’s name do you mean?’

‘You ruined the other attempt,’ Iskierka put in, nosing at the edge of Granby’s fine coat. ‘I must say they are being _particularly_ difficult about this. Why are humans so mealy-mouthed and embarrassed about mating?’

‘About-?’ Granby turned bright red and clapped his hand over his face to hide his eyes. ‘Oh lord, please tell me you are not attempting what that sounds like.’

Temeraire craned around to look at the island. Laurence and Tharkay were both still upright, and it looked as though they were staring across the bay at the dragons. More time required.

‘I know there was some sort of law,’ Temeraire said, reluctantly turning his back on Laurence. ‘But you of all people must see how it is as unjust as the rot about dragons needing to be controlled like slaves.’

Granby muttered something behind his hand and sighed. ‘I know you do this from love, but _please_ go fetch them at once. I guarantee you this will not work.’

‘Oh no,’ Temeraire said, earnest and warming to his subject. ‘I must disagree, Granby. They are devoted to one another, and it only makes sense for them to form an attachment now that Tharkay’s Sara and Admiral Rowland are no longer interested. I’m not sure what it’s like for men, but in my experience mating is highly enjoyable. The fact that they share the house only means everything is already perfectly convenient, if only they would _recognise_ it.’

Granby sighed. ‘Temeraire, it doesn’t work like that. Wishing for a thing doesn’t make it so. Can you not leave well enough alone?’

‘Be sensible,’ Iskierka said. ‘We’ll just wait until they get bored and realise they have to make their own entertainment. Shouldn’t take more than a few hours.’

Granby turned a glare on her. ‘Have you _met_ either of them? They will catch their deaths swimming back within twenty minutes. Temeraire, please go rescue them before Laurence has a rush of blood to the head.’

Put like that it did seem likely that the plan might fail. Temeraire turned an anxious gaze on the rock. Was Laurence too close to the water? He raised his arms; was he planning on shucking his coat and attempting the freezing, rough swim?

It wasn’t worth the risk. Temeraire leapt up and crossed the bay in a handful of wing beats, landing as carefully as he could on the jagged black stone.

‘What on Earth is going on?’ Laurence demanded, only slightly spray-damp and still buttoned into his heavy coat. ‘Temeraire, this is not acceptable.’

‘Oh, I _am_ sorry!’ Temeraire put his face down and nudged at Laurence. With a small pang, he decided to fudge the truth a little; there was no need to bring Ning into it, after all. ‘It wasn’t to be cruel, only I got the idea from something one of Iskierka’s ground crew was reading and it seemed as though it might work.’

‘What exactly was the goal?’ Tharkay asked, a faint smile on his features. ‘I have an idea, but I’d like to hear it from you if you don’t mind.’

Temeraire drooped and looked back at Iskierka fussing over Granby. ‘I thought if we stranded the two of you somewhere you might realise the passion you have for each other and you could mate.’

Laurence made a choking sound and laid his hands on Temeraire’s nose. Tharkay, for some mysterious reason, was laughing.

‘My dear,’ Laurence said eventually, shooting Tharkay a quelling look. ‘Is that why you wanted us to dance? Why the door to the boathouse locked?’

‘Why Demane was sneaking around with those gifts?’ Tharkay chimed in, laughter under control but still audible in his tone.

‘Yes,’ Temeraire lay his head on the ground and tried to make his expression as remorseful as he felt. ‘But Granby says it doesn’t work like that, and now I fear I’ve offended you as well as risked your lives-’

‘Inconvenienced us, surely,’ Tharkay said, taking a few steps closer to stand beside Laurence.

‘It was poorly conceived,’ Laurence said sternly, and Temeraire wilted even further with shame. ‘But well-meant, and- oh, lord. And unnecessary, my dear. I was not sure how you’d regard the news, and it gladdens my heart to know you give us your blessings.’

Temeraire blinked.

‘I must stress to you,’ Laurence continued, brick red and staring into the distance as he did when embarrassed. ‘It is of the utmost importance it remain a secret. I know it makes no sense to you, but I’m afraid society would not look kindly on us.’

‘Do you mean to say-’ Temeraire lifted his head and spread his ruff in delight.

‘We do,’ Tharkay said, smiling widely and closed his fingers around Laurence’s. ‘We are.’

Temeraire laughed, joyful and relieved and filled with questions. He spread his wings and cupped his talons for Laurence and Tharkay to step into and decided to ask the most important one first as he climbed for height.

‘When are you planning on making your first egg?’

For some reason, that made both men choke, but perhaps it was the chill in the air.

He’d ask again when they returned home.

**Author's Note:**

> 'LHUDE SING FUCK-OO!' Temperature attempts to sing a song in middle English entitled "summer is icumen in". Like all good folk songs, it is raunchier than first appearance leads one to believe


End file.
